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Caregiving For Parents and Avoiding Sibling Rivalry

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In her new book, “They’re your Parents Too!” How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy”, journalist Francine Russo writes about a difficult stage of life: she calls it the “Twilight Transition” when boomer-aged siblings reunite to care for aging parents.

This period is laden with new challenges – dividing assets, dementia and care-giving issues, all of which have the potential to exacerbate dormant sibling rivalries.  This is because the adult siblings must deal with the imminent end of their “first” family and take over their parents’ roles as decision makers.

Ms. Russo was interviewed by the Globe and Mail newspaper recently.  In the interview, she stated:

“There’s a huge re-emergence of sibling rivalry over parents because when we see that our parents time is limited, all the unmet needs we’ve had resurface to be loved, approved of and forgiven…”

Tips for avoiding conflict, from Francine Russo

Siblings have many tactics at their disposal to avoid haggling over their parents’ deathbed, Francine Russo writes in They’re Your Parents, Too!

Group huddle

“Try to get together and talk about this stuff,” Ms. Russo says. “Even if one person does most of the work, consider the family responsibility.”

Be there

Siblings should prop up the main caregiver: “Call your sister or brother often and ask, ‘How are you doing?’ Be prepared to listen to them vent about how hard it is.”

Know what you want

“Do you want a sibling to relieve you at some point? Do you want [whoever] can afford it to hire someone to come in and help you? Or do you actually want to be in charge of everything, but want your siblings to thank you?”

Be explicit:

“Once you figure out what you want, then ask very directly for what you want, as specifically as possible. Don’t hint.”

Avoid talking when steamed:

Dodge the “anger guilt gridlock” by speaking up before you’re peeved. We all know no brother or sister ever gave in to a demand.

Money talks:

The sibling given financial authority should be e-mailing others with details such as medical bills, even when not prompted. “Transparency can dissipate a lot of the mistrust,” Ms. Russo says.

Watch out for personal effects

If possible, sort out the heirlooms with your parent present. Siblings should state what they want and draw straws if there is a conflict. And never throw anything out: “There’s no way anyone of us can know what emotional significance a table or an old book has for somebody.” 

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